# anekdot
set anrand = RAND(0,11)
if anrand = 0: set $anek = '- How do you feel about clowns?
- Just do not have to provoke me on anti-government statements!'
if anrand = 1: set $anek = 'Wearing a driver, dropping out of the "Okie" might accidentally throw it through the thigh.'
if anrand = 2: set $anek = 'Two old men on a bench in a nursing home:
- A grandson asked me yesterday what I did during the sexual revolution.
- So what did you tell him?
- Told me almost immediately captured, and the rest of life I spent dishwashing.'
if anrand = 3: set $anek = 'Odessa. Is brought by the fat lady, and a few steps behind her with huge bags woven skinny husband. Strap for holding one of the bags hanging in different directions, the child. Man said sadly:
- Fima still believe my experience: never get married!
The boy thinks for a long time, poking a finger in the nose of his free hand, and then it is reasonable to ask:
- Dad, who I will then share their bitter experience?'
if anrand = 4: set $anek = 'Policeman - GIVE
Chief - TRIBUTE
Beggar - Kinh
Doctor - take out
Official - SUN
Billion oligarch - QUY
Instead of the normal wage - PRICK

Live in Russia, but for some "Chinese" literacy ...'
if anrand = 5: set $anek = 'Unlike other cats, my perfectly distinguish day and night.
Throughout the night sleeping in the bedroom, and in the morning cheerfully runs sleep in the hall.'
if anrand = 6: set $anek = 'Our Earth - is a place where aliens show their children how to live.'
if anrand = 7: set $anek = 'At the press conference:
- Anatoly Borisitch, but you promised all along the Volga River, in exchange for a voucher? Where can I get my part?
- Take a bucket, go to Nizhny Novgorod, go to the river ...'
if anrand = 8: set $anek = 'Girls, if you had a choice: world peace or neoblezayuschy manicure, what color nail polish would you choose?'
if anrand = 9: set $anek = 'We as if dancing in the church - you´re the defendant, and you will be put, and if more than one hundred million stolen - you are only a witness ...'
if anrand = 10: set $anek = 'Based on teachers'' wages, our government consists of vengeful Losers.'
if anrand = 11: set $anek = 'Last year I asked Santa Claus become compatriot Gerard Depardieu. Who knew that the old man so perverted.'
if anrand = 12: set $anek = 'A guy goes to a meeting late, nervous, can not find a place to park. Raises his face to the sky and said:
- Lord, help me to find a place to park. I then give up drinking and going every Sunday to go to church!
Miraculously appears free place. Guy again turned to the sky:
- And, all is not necessary. Found!'

if anrand = 13: set $anek = '- Watson, what are you smoking? Let me guess - Tobacco "Queen of Virginia" with leaves cherries jubilee issue of velvet in the box?
- Amazingly, Holmes! How did you guess?
- By Jove, my dear Watson! Well, not Mrs. Hudson stole that pack from my room!'

if anrand = 14: set $anek = 'Comes out in the morning traffic cop on the road, his head after yesterday´s split.
Looks - Jeep carried. Well, he stopped him in order to collect funds for the sober. Looks, and there sits a homeless person. Documents examined - though homeless machine. Well cop asked him:
- You´re a bum. Where did you get such a cool took a wheelbarrow?
- A new Russian drunk I offered if I make them laugh - my jeep. Well, I have them and laugh.
- But how?
- Yes, I´m one bald head on shit, it just grew hair, it´s killing was.
Ment removes cap, there bald. He says:
- And you do not care because I can?
- Can.
Bum shit cop on his bald head, a out of the bushes hear laughter and crying:
- No, well, finally, so I gave him another hut and gifts.'

if anrand = 15: set $anek = 'Glamorous Muscovite comes to visit the village to the grandmother.
- Grandma, where you can go there at night?
- In a bucket.'

if anrand = 16: set $anek = 'Lesson "Fundamentals of Orthodox Culture." The teacher:
- And remember, kids! Those who would learn to "4" and "5", will go to paradise. A
those who will learn from the "2" and "3" - to hell!
Little Johnny from the back row:
- Marivanna, and that can not be alive to finish school?'

if anrand = 17: set $anek = 'The slogan "strangle corruption" has been recognized as extremist calling for the violent overthrow of the existing order.'

if anrand = 18: set $anek = 'Husband:
- What in-law is coming?
Wife:
- Numbers or dick?'

if anrand = 19: set $anek = 'English lesson.
In the back row got a man - checking
of the District Board. Young teacher writing on the chalkboard English phrase and asks the students to translate. The class is silent, and suddenly, with the penultimate hand pulls Vovochka desks.
The teacher hesitated, but do nothing - has caused.
Little Johnny:
- That ass. Now to plant!
The teacher, blushing with shame:
- Little Johnny, how can you!!!
Little Johnny said, turning to the man:
- Do you know English - nothing to prompt!'

if anrand = 20: set $anek = 'Husband to his Wife:
- Let´s play pretend games.
- How´s that?
- Well, as if you were Little Red Riding Hood, and I am a wolf.
- Class, come on!
- Well, then, go, bake pies...'

if anrand = 21: set $anek = 'That´s because Depardieu surprised when sober...'

if anrand = 22: set $anek = 'Headquarters of the Ku Klux Klan:
- Tell me, how do I join your organization?
- It´s easy. Soak 6 blacks and one cat.
- A cat for that?
- Congratulations, you are taken'

if anrand = 23: set $anek = 'There are three friends.
One wife for ten years - another mistress - third betrothed (the bride).
Well discussed their men, this and that - decided to experiment: wear leather black lingerie - sexy stockings with belt - high heels - an eye mask, and so to meet their loved ones.

A week later found.

"Bride" tells - He came home, I met him in stockings, wearing a mask in high heels - he attacked me said that I love of his life and we had sex all night.

Mistress says - I went to his office - shut the door - opened the cloak - and there´s leather underwear, mask, heels - he did not say anything, but we have 5 hours of non-stop having sex.

Wife says sheepishly - husband came home from work, I opened the door in black leather lingerie, sexy stockings and a mask - he looked at me and asked, "What´s for dinner, Batman?"'

if anrand = 24: set $anek = '- Your bank gives loans on parole?
- No problem...
- And if I do not return?
- You will be ashamed before God when appear.
- When it has to be...
- Now, if the fifth do not return, the sixth appear.'

if anrand = 25: set $anek = 'Biology lesson.
The teacher tells the children:
- Children! You know that stamen and pistil in flowers - is the reproductive organs.
On the back row Vovochka:
- Damn. I smelt them.'

if anrand = 26: set $anek = '- And my last one after five minutes, the server broke.
- Is he hakep ??!
- He mydak!!'

if anrand = 27: set $anek = 'A plane is flying. The pilot on the speakerphone:
- Ladies and gentlemen, you are greeted by the captain. Listen to the information about our flight. Our flight is at an altitude of 10,000 feet at a speed of 900 kilometers per hour, the temperature behind... Shit... A-A-A-A! .. What´s that? .. WELL, PIZDETS...
Inside, a deathly silence.

A minute later, again on the radio:
- I beg your pardon our dear passengers. Just that our flight attendant knocked on my hot coffee. Did you now my white pants in front...

A guy in the front row:
- Your pants, it´s all garbage! You should have seen my pants back...'

if anrand = 28: set $anek = 'Escaped from a zoo elephant. Call the sheriff:
- Sir! In my garden there is a huge gray rat!!!!

She sryvet tail cabbage......
- And what is it doing?
- Sir! You will not believe!.....'

if anrand = 29: set $anek = 'Marriage bed - a husband and wife:
Wife: - My dear, let´s we play role-playing games?
Husband: - Come on.
Wife: - You are a taxi driver, and I am a young, pretty girl who arrived, but I have no money with him to pay the fare.
Husband: - Come on.
Wife: - Uncle taxi driver, I have no money to pay the fare, let me go, please!
Husband: - Go...'

if anrand = 30: set $anek = 'Put a baby pacifier next to the stove, and it melted stuck to the table.
Scored in Yandex: how to pull out the nipple?...
Forgot that looking for...'

if anrand = 31: set $anek = 'Once upon a time an old Indian told his grandson one vital truth.
- Inside every man is a struggle, much like the struggle between two wolves.
One wolf is evil - envy, jealousy, sorrow, selfishness, ambition, lies...
The other wolf is good - peace, love, hope, courtesy, truth, goodness, faithfulness...

Little Indian, touched to the heart the words of his grandfather, thought for a few moments, and then asked:
- And what a wolf wins in the end?
Face of an old Indian touched a faint smile, and he replied:
- Always wins the wolf that you feed.'

if anrand = 32: set $anek = 'An interview with the Russian businessman.
Reporter:
- Tell me what you think about the traffic police?
Businessman:
- Bandits uniquely. Do nothing, a complete mess on the streets, robbing drivers at every opportunity, washed-up motherfuckers.
To .:
- Yes, the opinion of an impartial, frankly. What do you think about Russian tamozhenikah?
B .:
- Hmm, I think I got a little excited about the cops. Normal in general guys are polite, do not take too much.'

if anrand = 33: set $anek = '- I do not know what to do. Cockroaches tortured. Shastayut everywhere - no peace.
- Did you buy a piece of chalk for cockroaches.
- What helps?
- Of course. You see - sitting in a corner, draw...'

if anrand = 34: set $anek = '- Hello! Rewrite me his apartment.
- What do you allow yourself!?
- Oh, sorry, not with principles. Do you believe in God?'

if anrand = 35: set $anek = 'It feels like an old Russian saying "fools no law" and the concept of "parliamentary immunity" are somehow connected.'

if anrand = 36: set $anek = 'If money is measured in groups, I have a dimple.'

if anrand = 37: set $anek = 'Policeman stops the car.
Lowered the window, the driver of an ingratiating smile:
"Good morning, Comrade Captain´s right please, TITLE, power of attorney, strahovochka itself, everything is as it should be, as it should..."
With the rear seat child´s voice:
"Dad, where´s the box?"'

if anrand = 38: set $anek = '- Why are you so inflated? What happened?
- Give her husband on Feb. 23 set of fishing lures.
- Well, all right. You have it for 10 years every weekend fishing goes. What´s wrong?
- He´s in his hands turned, and turned and asked: What is it??'

if anrand = 39: set $anek = 'Mom asks young son:
- Little Johnny, and who ate all the candy?
son:
- Brownie.
A voice from behind the stove:
- Do not bullshit me!'

if anrand = 40: set $anek = 'Pole comes to church for confession and says to the priest:
- Ban the priest, I have sinned.
- What is the sin, my son?
- I cheated a Jew...
The priest, after a brief hesitation:
- It is not a sin, my son. It´s a miracle!'

if anrand = 41: set $anek = 'University. Session. Reading room.
A lot of people how to prepare.
To one student comes another:
- Hey, you´re holding the book upside down!
- And you´re human, Freud, or what?
- And then Freud?
- This is - the book! What are her legs? You still say that I look down it between the pages ..!'

if anrand = 42: set $anek = '- Please change the guarantor of the Constitution to guarantee...
- Can not help, the entire batch defective.'

if anrand = 43: set $anek = 'Jew, before reaching home by taxi, goes silently out of the car and starts
fumbling in his pockets, and under his breath mutters:
- Damn, it seems the car dropped the purse...
Hearing this, the taxi driver presses the gas and unwound. Jew, looking after the taxi, sarcastically says:
- A Rabinovich is not lying, it really works...'

if anrand = 44: set $anek = 'Son quarrels with parents:
- I´m tired of always be with you, always be on time! I want romance, freedom, beer, girls! I´m going, and do not try to hold me back!

Son resolutely goes to the door. At the door of his father catches.
- Dad, I said, do not try to stop me!
- I´m not stopping you, son. I´m with you!'

if anrand = 45: set $anek = 'Met a girl on a hen party. All night they were telling jokes,
funny stories and shared with the other sisters their dreams...
By the morning of the cabinet fell dead with shame lieutenant Rzhev.'

if anrand = 46: set $anek = 'Turkmen President Saparmurat Niyazov in the great book "Rukhnama" proudly says that Turkmen invented the wheel, writing, smelting metals. No one denies that. Just the other nations at this time to produce computers and flew to the moon.'

if anrand = 47: set $anek = '- I hesitate to put you a diagnosis...
Probably, it is alcoholism.
- All right, doctor. I´ll be there when you´re sober.'

if anrand = 48: set $anek = 'I do not want to say old, but all the sounds that I was making once during sex, now I publish, just from your couch...'

if anrand = 49: set $anek = 'Wife to her Husband says:
- Let´s make love like in the movies! The husband agreed. Had it, as he wanted, then on her face cumshot...
She wiped:
- Yeah, my favorite! Other films we´re looking!!!'

if anrand = 50: set $anek = 'it is:
- Tell me why if a guy had a lot of girls, he - macho, but if the girl a lot of guys - damn it?
he:
- You know, if one key opens many locks - a key drop dead! And if one lock fit all the keys - it´s definitely worthless castle!'
--- anekdot ---------------------------------

